learning about love. :)

i don't even really know where to begin but i cannot believe the summer is almost over, at least it feels like it's almost over bc my time is new york is almost over. and what an incredible journey it has been. (ee! that is my excited squeal :D)

every single day i have been in this city i have seen miracles. and so much beauty! in sometimes very unexpected places. i feel so privileged to have seen these things. i have not been able to write them all down, but the lord has blessed me with an excellent memory and i feel that so many of them are stored securely away with the thousands of other beautiful memories and moments in my life. 

how is the lord so kind, and what does all of this mean to me? this past summer i have thinking about my love for christ. i remember my first sunday here i started thinking about this. i noticed that at church several people shared their feelings of how much love they've felt from him, and it really made me ponder on how much love he feels from me. i know that he loves me perfectly, but what about my love for him?

well, i continue to see that everyday he gives me opportunities to increase that love. my love and gratitude and reverence for christ has become increasingly more sweet and more tangible throughout these past few years, because i have learned what it means and i have felt what it is to rely on him and trust him and exercise faith in him and his infinite atonement. i think elder holland describes it really well when he said in one of my favorite talks called the "bitter cup and the bloody baptism." he said we may speak of knowing the truth or having the truth, but only one who is confronting error, however painfully or however slowly, can properly speak of loving the truth. and then he said, "and i believe that god intends us to someday honestly and truly love him--the way, the truth, and the life."

i testify that the joy that can be experienced and tasted during this mortal probation is real. for me, that joy has come through exercising faith, changing what i can change (aka, repenting), honoring my covenants, and moving forward while relying on his help. 

the gospel of jesus christ is so wonderful. i know these things are true more than i know anything else, and i am so grateful for this knowledge and peace. i still have so far to go but i am so excited for this journey. the future is so bright. i. can't. wait. !! :)

taking time to feel renewed in spirit and mind :)

it's been a wonderful learning experience the past few weeks. and i'm still in the middle of it, and thankfully the lord has given me some perspective to see how difficult times and certain trials might have a purpose and work together for my good.

tonight i talked with a very dear friend and role model and she told me about a dream that she had growing up. she told me bc i called her and asked to hear the dream again, not remembering it well but knowing it would be helpful at this time.

the story.

she told me that in her dream there were two boxes. one was very plain and there was a sticker on it that said just for you. the box was from one person. the other box was wrapped with lots of pretty bows and ribbons and it was from the world. she went over to the other box, excited to open it, and when she did, oh it was just what she wanted. it was perfect. and she loved it. so she played with it and worked with it and then it broke. she was sad, but then there was another pretty box with shiny wrapping paper. it was also from the world, and she opened it. and wow this was even more what she wanted, and it made her so happy to have this perfect present. so she played with it too and worked with it, but then it broke as well. 

and then she noticed the plain box. she went over to it and held it and then opened it. the contents inside were exquisite. she had never seen any thing like it before. it was strong and somehow took her breath away. but she wasn't sure what to do with it. so she tried to play with it, but she never figured out what she was supposed to do. she went to the person who gave it to her and asked what the gift was and how she was supposed to work with what he had given her. he told her that once she figured out what to do with it she would understand what it was and how to use it. she didn't really understand what he meant and decided to save trying to figure it out for another day and put the gift away on a shelf. 

she then went back to the other pretty gifts. she opened each one with great joy and excitement. but over time as she continued to play with each of them they all broke. she looked around and felt frustrated. surrounding her were several boxes, wrapping paper and ribbons, and broken gifts. above the mess she saw the contents of the plain box sitting on her shelf. though it was covered in dust it was still so remarkable to her. she tried again to figure out what it was but then feeling unsuccessful she decided to return it to the person who gave it to her. she went to find him and placed the gift in his hands. 

"i can't keep this. i can't figure out how to use it." 

"please take it back. i know if i keep it i'll just end up breaking it." 

the giver accepted her offering. she had learned what to do with her gift.

there are so many beautiful lessons and principles illustrated in this dream. i'll just share a few: the contents of the plain gift (strong and exquisite) represent who we are. once we figure out what we're supposed to do with it (give it to Christ), then we understand what the gift is (our own divinity) and how to use it (this could be so many things). the shattered gifts, Christ actually helps her put them back together and then she is able to offer them to others.

gratitude, example #4

example #4. i of course have to say i am grateful for my parents. we have been through a lot together and i really believe in what elder holland once quoted, that love is what you go through together. christmas break was hard in some ways, but i guess that is just a way to learn. i am so impressed, really, how my parents can continue to love me when i am so, i don't even know what the word is, me sometimes. in some ways i find it to be a miracle. but i guess that is the power of love and especially of the gospel. i remember on my mission we would teach people that through the restored gospel families can actually be sealed together, so that they are together even beyond the veil of death--together for eternity. and i just remember how unmoved people were by that. which i honestly don't blame though. i know there have been times when i have thought i didn't want to be sealed to my family forever. but THAT is the very miracle of the gospel and of love. that through the atonement of Jesus Christ, we receive the wonderful gift that we want to be with those people--people that we have been through a lot together and have perhaps suffered together and hurt together. i'm so grateful for that love and to learn about it with first hand experience, instead of just hearing about it reading about it. i LOVE to experience things myself. it is GREAT. :)

things i'm learning ab christmas :)

lately i've been thinking about what christmas really means to me. tonight at institute we talked a lot about the ways we felt about christmas as a little kid. i thought about it and i remember last year thinking maybe christmas was just more fun as a little kid! sad!


but this past week i have realized that i think christmas is just starting to mean more to me.


something i felt really strong tonight--so amazing--and maybe it's not super christmas related, but it definitely is christ related, i just realize i am so grateful for my trials. and i'm not just saying that! or trying to tell myself that when i don't really believe it. the reason i felt that, which i've felt it before, but tonight in particular is because i noticed that i often just feel this new convert feeling. i just feel like i'm glowing inside and out and i feel such a deep love for the savior and his atonement bc i've learned how much i needed it. anyway, i realized it is BECAUSE of my trials that i am constantly turned to the atonement and i love feeling it in my life and seeing it change me little by little. in other words, BUT FOR my trials (haha! i'm a law school nerd ;D) i would not be able to have that new convert feeling with bright eyes and filling full of truth and light.


so i basically wanted to say--i am grateful for my trials. they have turned me to the savior, to love and appreciate and to know him, and to know more fully myself. i know that he knows our most sincere and righteous desires and that he is doing everything he can for us (thanks catie ^^). 


and i just wanted to say i am so grateful for people in my life who are always teaching me things. thanks you! i learn so much from you! and you didn't even know it :)

something new :)

tonight i participated in my first oral argument. 


i was arguing the side of Hosanna-Tabor Evangelical Lutheran Church and School against a professor i'm ta'ing for, who was representing the side of Cheryl Perich, a former teacher for the school. the case was recently heard by the us supreme court and concerns whether and to what the degree the government can be involved in church employment issues. if you're interested you can fine a basic summary here. 


so besides being a really interesting case i also had a few thoughts.


1. the role of an attorney vs. the role of a judge. i'm not exactly sure how to describe this without making it too confusing but i'm going to try. (thanks for bearing with me!) this past semester i've had the opportunity to watch mock trial and appellate competitions and a utah supreme court decision. and the thing i've noticed--a pattern--is how incredibly dedicated attorneys are to defending their side/their client. this may seem obvious--of course they would be committed to their client; it's their job. but i guess it seems significant to me when i'm watching a person or partners continue to hold to their side, even when they know (or in my head i'm thinking they must know) their arguments are wrong/flawed. maybe it's bc they don't have a good case or maybe they just don't have good arguments, but it doesn't phase them. attorneys will defend their side until the end. at first i thought maybe it was a pride thing--people care about winning and looking good, so they won't budge even when they know they're losing. they won't admit the other person is right; they just stubbornly defend their side.


BUT--tonight, and i think also during the past competition, i saw things differently. tonight i realized it is a noble thing to defend someone, even if you don't agree with them. crazy right. i used to disagree. i thought i would NEVER put myself in a situation where i had to defend someone i didn't believe in. but i just see things really differently now, and maybe my perspective will continue to grow and change. that seems likely. but the thing i have come to see is an attorney's job is not to be influential in the way maybe we expect to be, or i expected it to be. at least i know i was thinking maybe by being an attorney i can help have an influence in various issues i care about by presenting a case so well--yada, yada, yada. but i don't think that's it anymore. at least, i don't think that's the main goal. rather, i think an attorney's calling is to take care of what he's been given--his client. and it is the judge's role, not ours, to take the arguments and to come up with a decision of how things will be. i don't know if that makes sense (sometimes i don't explain things well, especially things that i'm just starting to think about), but i just feel like there's something to everyone working together, and i think sometimes the way we BEST work together is by knowing our roles and doing them--giving our best--and especially not trying to do each other's roles. i just think of an orchestra. every instrument is different and has a different role in a piece. some are stronger than others, maybe more influential, and it's when everyone is focusing on what they've been given--their part--that there is this beautiful synergy and unity of sound. like a masterpiece. and just bc i think we should all stick to our roles i'm not saying nor do i think that there's absolutely no room to move around or that we can't change roles--i think of it more like there's a time and a season for everything, and as an attorney our time and season is dedicated to our clients. and i also don't think what we do is so defining. it is what we do, but it is not necessarily who we are. anyway, i hope that made sense! i thought it was a great discovery tonight. :)


the other thing i thought about is...


2. i am so excited to be an attorney. weird. i never would've imagined myself saying those words and actually having it feel so right. and all i can say is i am grateful to the lord. AMAZING. he knows us PERFECTLY; and he sees the end from the beginning. no matter how many hard times or discouraging moments we go through, it is so inspiring and encouraging to see the lord CONSTANTLY guiding my life. the lord has taught me so much in the past year, but one thing i have come to see more and more is he has a plan for us. and as we're trying to figure out what to do with ourselves or our lives--where to live, what to do, who to date and later marry, it seems that as long as we are keeping his commandments and honoring our covenants and coming unto christ (not by being perfect or even being our "best" (see brad wilcox's talk "his grace is sufficient"), but by simply exercising our faith and repenting, which in some cases may just involve us trying to move forward), as long as we do that i believe there is NOTHING we can do that will ruin our chances to receive everything he has in store for us--every blessing and every kind of joy he has prepared. so often i think we worry--i know i do--about these decisions, and we think if we choose the wrong one and we should've chosen another one, well then too bad. but i just don't feel it's like that! the lord has shown me time and time again, that sometimes it's like he almost doesn't matter what choice i make, as long as i make a choice, and even if i make a choice that puts me in the wrong place, somehow i end up being in the right place. so it's like i either choose the right place or the wrong place, but either way, as i am seeking and yearning for good things the lord always has a way of helping things to happen as they should. 


well that was very long. but i'm glad to write. :)


christmas is coming! yaaaaaaay! i love christmas~~~~~~ :)

12 names of christ.

so today i was thinking about something one of my companions told me on my mission. she said while she was at the mtc, and it was christmas time, elder holland came and spoke and talked about 12 names of christ. i don't remember what they all are, although i think i have them written down somewhere, but he picked 12 names and invited the missionaries to take 12 days before christmas to exemplify each of those names. 


what a cool thing. and i dont remember if i got this from myself or my companion but the one and only december of my mission, i guess that was 2009, i thought of 12 different names of christ and found 12 different scriptures, and focused on one each month of the year 2010. it was such a neat experience, and i felt that as i prepared the scriptures and things i wanted to focus on for each month that they all ended up being what i needed.


so anyway, lately, and this is kind of a personal thing, but i've been thinking about things that i struggle with--like those things that ultimately keep me from giving everything, from being so one with christ. one thing is this false idea that i have to be this perfect person in order to be special or of worth. most of the time i think i don't believe that and know it's a lie, and i feel comfortable with myself--imperfections and all--bc i know i'm trying, and i know the lord isn't asking me to be perfect, but that life is such a process and the things we struggle with keep us coming toward christ. BUT sometimes! it just isn't that clear to me and i find myself getting lost in pressures i put on myself to be this perfect person in ways that just aren't realistic. and it is something that i struggle with.


but this morning, while i was studying, i had this great thought. i love great thoughts! and new ideas! they are wonderful and so special to me. but i was thinking about the names of christ and also about the principle of replacing bad things with good things (like the example of removing weeds and doing nothing and the weeds come back vs. removing the weeds and planting flowers and the weeds dont grow back but flower blossom). so i thought about the same thing but involving this name of christ thing. i started looking up names of christ and thinking about this issue and i found a few scriptures. i think i came up with about 3 but ended up feeling really good about this one. it's in romans 15:8.


"now i say that jesus christ was a minister of the circumcision for the truth of god, to confirm the promises made unto the fathers:"


now in all honesty, i don't know exactly what that means, but it really stayed with me, and i especially liked the part about him being a minister for truth, which confirms these promises he has made to our fathers and ultimately to us. and so that is the scripture i'm picking, with the purpose to replace a false lie "i'm only special by the things i do" with this name of christ about a truth that confirms promises.


anyway, i wanted to share that as an invitation to anyone else who would like to also do the 12 names thing. i don't know if i'm doing it all year next year; my plan was to just do it up until christmas, and i think i may do more than just one day for each scripture bc i'm starting before dec. 12. 


i love christmas!!!!!