the blessing of journals. :)

wow, i really should be sleeping right now, it is so late! but i just feel so grateful and joyful and excited about life right now and also feel the desire to write these things down not just in a journal but on my blog. yay for blogs!

i haven't written in a while but what an interesting couple of months it has been. so much has happened, including receiving more direction, discovering more what i really want, learning patience, finding new weaknesses, feeling so much joy and continuous gratitude for learning and lessons.

amidst the many good things going on in my life right now, i have still had moments (some of them overly dramatic moments) of feeling lost, confused, impatient, and frustrated. it always surprises me how easy it is (and maybe just for me but i imagine also for all of us) to let those feelings take over so that we are no longer living by faith, but more by our fears. it's easy to feel stuck and sometimes i wonder how to get myself out and even start to panic sometimes. in my head the illustration i have of this experience is a child in a swimming pool, doing just fine, and all of a sudden freaking out about something and then starting to sink. the child then starts splashing around wildly, trying to keep himself afloat so he doesn't drown and die, and in the process causes himself to go under. 

i don't know exactly how to stop the panic process and return to the state of calmness and clarity that will cause our bodies to naturally float instead of sink--i'm sure there are lots of different ways and i've experienced some of them. the one that i've been experiencing lately though in the past year is the power of gratitude. i feel so incredibly grateful for my life. and this gratitude helps me to see clearly and past the dust and darkness that distort my view of reality. 

tonight before going to bed i decided to start reading my journal that i finished a few months ago. it covers the last year of my life, which includes my first year of law school, and just every good and bad and special and horrible and wonderful thing that happened and all that i thought about and learned. it has been so great reading and remembering. i love my journals!

a few themes.

a huge theme throughout this past journal is that god is consistently and unfailingly present and active in my life (and most importantly, even when i didn't deserve it). i LOVE looking back with the blessing of hindsight and seeing the purpose in all things. and that includes both good and bad times. i love it! i love life and the experience it gives me. i love growing and learning and overcoming. i love new things and relearned things (those things that just keep coming back even though you think you get over them, but i like them and i find joy in the overall upward progress). i love seeing how my life and everything that happens is connected in some way. i love seeing that god is aware of my deepest desires and how he works to help me reach them in the most satisfying way. this past summer my roommate had a great thought, that when thinking about "our will" vs. "god's will," it's not that they are two separate things, that god's will is somehow diff than what we want, but actually god's will is simply our happiness--PLUS perfect information. and i see that so clearly (not all the time, but more often than not lately, and especially looking back on the last year). another related principle is how i see that the timing of things is very much linked to my preparation (sometimes i want things now, but then realize i can't force them and just have to wait for the right time; well it turns out that often the "right time" is very dependent on my preparation). 

i also really love seeing the way god communicates with me and teaches me things. it is incredible. through prayer, the scriptures, other people, and pondering, i receive direct answers to my specific questions. amazing. i am grateful for that increased knowledge and understanding. 

i just feel so much faith and hope. i see my weaknesses but i don't feel constricted by them. i feel free and open and excited about my future and eager to keep learning. i feel grateful for the opportunity to live on this earth and to learn and to change. 

so grateful for all these experiences, which have very much been for my good. 

---

"Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Phillipians 4:11-14

real love and a smart phone

last night i bought my first smart phone. i actually feel really grown up, which is funny bc i am 26 years old, which seems like i should already be grown up. :)

at first i wasn't all for getting a smart phone. i wasn't necessarily against it, but probably secretly told myself i wouldn't get one. i don't know why, i guess i just felt i didn't need one. BUT... i'm actually really grateful for it. not only is it awesome! but it's also been really helpful.

this morning i was reading a conference talk on it that reminded me of a few things i have read in a book this summer called "real love." my roommate here recommended it and i have really loved it so far. i haven't read everything and sort of skip through parts, but the thing i really like about it is the way the author talks about real love. he says that it can only be felt when it's freely offered and received. 

he illustrates this principle using a simple story about apples. he says you look out your window and see a man walking toward your house carrying a bushel of apples. you want some so you hurry outside and tell him you haven't had anything to eat all day and no one will give you anything. (he explains the first statement is a lie and the second one presents you as a victim.) 

the man with the apples starts to say something but you dont wait to hear it before you start attacking him and making him feel guilty by saying things like, "i hope you remember all the things i've done for you in the past." (in reality we probably don't say those things but our actions do no matter what words come out of our mouth.) so the man gives you the apples, but what you don't know is that he actually picked them out just for you!

the less is although the man offered his gift freely (real love), you didn't receive it freely, and he says that you basically bought the apples with your behavior--by lying, acting like a victim, and attacking--just as if you'd paid for them with money. and because of what you did, whatever the man gave you could not feel like a gift. if you would've allowed him to offer the apples without your making him give them to you, you would have felt his unconditional concern for you. 

the counsel in the talk i read by pres eyring also reminded me of this principle. 

pres eyring was talking to the men of the church, those holding the priesthood, and he explained four way a priesthood father could lift and lead his family towards the savior.

his second suggestion was to "love your wife." interesting, bc sister dalton last year talked about how the best thing a father can do for his daughters is to love their mother. so important i think, in more ways that just the obvious ones.

so pres eyring said it is imperative to love your wife. he said, "it will take faith and humility to put her interests above your own in the struggles of life. you have the responsibility to provide for and to nurture the family with her while serving others. that can at times consume all the energy and strength you have. if you choose even then to put her happiness above your own, i promise you that your love for her will increase."

i really liked that and it was another gentle reminder to me of how my own love is still very much in the working/developing stages and that there is still much yet for me to learn about loving other unconditionally and freely so real love may be felt. getting these gentle reminders doesn't make me feel distraught though; actually, i really enjoy learning and seeing these gaps because it gives me a sense of direction of where to go and what is possible. so grateful for learning, so grateful for the time to apply it. i feel as though my whole life has been a laboratory and i'm just so, so grateful. :) happy DAY!

my favorite spot. :)

this is my favorite spot (above). it has a story with it, to be told :)

this is my other favorite spot, well i guess i can only have one favorite (makes sense with the story), but this is a spot that i thought was really, really beautiful.

loving new york :)

there are several things that i love about new york, but i think the thing i love most is that there are so many good things being done here. i remember my first week in the city, i got here on a wednesday night, and i liked new york, but i didn't find it super incredible. it felt a lot like seoul actually--really tall buildings, narrow sidewalks, crazy traffic, crazy subway system, short blocks, lots of different neighborhoods, and lots of tired people. i spent a lot of time exploring the city that week and weekend, but i just didn't feel overly impressed. and i also just wanted to be in dc for some reason, i don't know why, i just love dc! (i've since realized that i love dc for the energy and the people, and it's just beautiful there.) 

BUT... i feel so differently now. i still love dc, but new york has really grown on me. this past week for my internship we went to the bronx defenders. this is an INCREDIBLE organization. you should read about it here. basically, they take a holistic approach to public defense, meaning they organize a consulting group of sorts (attorneys) to represent and defend clients' against criminal charges, as well as employment, housing, immigration, and family charges. so smart! and the director explained that they realized after surveying community members that many people would rather give up some of their liberty than lose other things that were valuable to them, e.g., their home, their life in america, their children, etc. so the attorneys at bronx defenders also effectively empower their clients by giving them agency/responsibility to make their own decisions after educating them on different outcomes, rather than assuming what their clients want and making decisions for them.  

and so the conclusion i've come to since then is that yes i love dc (love, love, LOVE dc), but i also love ny bc people here are making things happen. such a great thing and it gets me so excited. and is further evidence to me that i am supposed to be here. :)