wow, i really should be sleeping right now, it is
so late! but i just feel so grateful and joyful and excited about life right
now and also feel the desire to write these things down not just in a journal
but on my blog. yay for blogs!
i haven't written in a while but what an
interesting couple of months it has been. so much has happened, including
receiving more direction, discovering more what i really want, learning
patience, finding new weaknesses, feeling so much joy and continuous gratitude
for learning and lessons.
amidst the many good things going on in my life
right now, i have still had moments (some of them overly dramatic moments) of
feeling lost, confused, impatient, and frustrated. it always surprises me how
easy it is (and maybe just for me but i imagine also for all of us) to let those
feelings take over so that we are no longer living by faith, but more by our
fears. it's easy to feel stuck and sometimes i wonder how to get myself out and
even start to panic sometimes. in my head the illustration i have of this
experience is a child in a swimming pool, doing just fine, and all of a sudden
freaking out about something and then starting to sink. the child then starts
splashing around wildly, trying to keep himself afloat so he doesn't drown and
die, and in the process causes himself to go under.
i don't know exactly how to stop the panic process
and return to the state of calmness and clarity that will cause our bodies to
naturally float instead of sink--i'm sure there are lots of different ways and
i've experienced some of them. the one that i've been experiencing lately
though in the past year is the power of gratitude. i feel so incredibly
grateful for my life. and this gratitude helps me to see clearly and past the
dust and darkness that distort my view of reality.
tonight before going to bed i decided to start
reading my journal that i finished a few months ago. it covers the last year of
my life, which includes my first year of law school, and just every good and
bad and special and horrible and wonderful thing that happened and all that i
thought about and learned. it has been so great reading and remembering. i love
my journals!
a few themes.
a huge theme throughout this past journal is that
god is consistently and unfailingly present and active in my life (and most
importantly, even when i didn't deserve it). i LOVE looking back with the
blessing of hindsight and seeing the purpose in all things. and that includes
both good and bad times. i love it! i love life and the experience it gives me.
i love growing and learning and overcoming. i love new things and relearned
things (those things that just keep coming back even though you think you get
over them, but i like them and i find joy in the overall upward progress). i
love seeing how my life and everything that happens is connected in some way. i
love seeing that god is aware of my deepest desires and how he works to help me
reach them in the most satisfying way. this past summer my roommate had a great
thought, that when thinking about "our will" vs. "god's will,"
it's not that they are two separate things, that god's will is somehow diff
than what we want, but actually god's will is simply our happiness--PLUS
perfect information. and i see that so clearly (not all the time, but more
often than not lately, and especially looking back on the last year). another
related principle is how i see that the timing of things is very much
linked to my preparation (sometimes i want things now, but then realize i
can't force them and just have to wait for the right time; well it turns out that
often the "right time" is very dependent on my preparation).
i also really love seeing the way god communicates
with me and teaches me things. it is incredible. through prayer, the
scriptures, other people, and pondering, i receive direct answers to my
specific questions. amazing. i am grateful for that increased knowledge and
understanding.
i just feel so much faith and hope. i see my
weaknesses but i don't feel constricted by them. i feel free and open and
excited about my future and eager to keep learning. i feel grateful for the
opportunity to live on this earth and to learn and to change.
so grateful for all these experiences, which have
very much been for my good.
---
"Not that I speak in respect of want: for I
have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. I know both how to
be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am
instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Phillipians
4:11-14
